Monday, January 4, 2016

The Alien Thing Surrounding My Spirit

I don’t belong in my body anymore.  It is an alien thing that carries the core of me around.  It does not fit; it is uncomfortable and is almost manikin-like in its oddness.  My body and movement is no longer a reflection of who I am inside.  There are two punishments in life that are incredibly cruel.  One is to isolate a person from love and society and the other is to live with an incurable, rare and debilitating disease.  I have experienced both. My body that is the vessel that holds my soul is crumbling and dying infinitely slowly.  My spirit can still soar like an eagle through the sky, with a gentle breeze pushing it along so that my soul flies unimpeded and on gentle wings.  Is this my punishment for mistakes in my past?  Does this physical suffering have a purpose other than to make me more aware of the suffering of others?  It takes enormous effort not to allow my body to impede my spirit.  Sometimes I just get lost.  Sometimes I feel like I am trying to empty the ocean with a bucket and all attempts to heal this body are in vain.  I am not my body.  I am spirit but I am also imprisoned in this human shell.

Will my body and my spirit be forever separated here on earth?  Will I not be able to physically do the things I long to do?  May the Maker of us all give me the strength to endure.    I am now a living, breathing, and mirror image of a TellyTubby grandmother.