Friday, August 12, 2016

A Good-bye Letter to me from me

My dear Dianne

I know how you struggle to accept your limitations.  I know what it was like to be able to do as you pleased when you pleased.  I know what it was like to think nothing of getting up, showering, dressing and putting make-up on.  I know what it was like to feel energised and to look forward to a day of excitement.   I know what it was like to be healthy; not giving your body a thought..that it was just a vehicle to carry the essential you towards what you wanted to achieve. But that Dianne is dead.  She will never come back.  What you need to do now is bury her; mourn her and grieve. So I have to bury her now; not later but right now. She is gone.  She won’t come back.  Only by doing that will you be able to close that door on the past and begin again to create a new Dianne, another one who is content and who regains a sense of self-worth and self-esteem.  The old Dianne lived a life of meaning.  Chronic and debilitating illness has robbed her of everything that had meaning.  She feels left out, alone; with huge feelings of doubt regarding her abilities and her life.  Life has very little meaning now.  She thinks a lot about suicide.  Suicide is just a nice word for killing oneself – of removing the pain and shame of not being able to do much and not having a sense of living a life of worth.  She struggles to find peace with these invisible ropes that bind her to her room and bed.  She struggles to connect with others and a simple answer to “How are you?” becomes a nightmare. Does she lie and say she is fine or does she take the chance of telling the truth only to find that her answer makes no sense to the one who asked.   Or worst still the response is “But you don’t look sick”, or “I am also tired”.  The responses that are meant to make one feel better when they say “Hope you get better soon”, irritates because no thought goes into what they are saying.  She knows she will never get better!   She hates not being able to care for herself financially and often physically.  She struggles to do the basic things like shower or change the bed linen.  These are tasks that were so easy before that she never thought about them.  She just did them.  Now she spend hours and hours doing these things in her head, but never managing to do them herself.  She has to ask someone to help her and finds that degrading and humiliating.  She HAS to find meaning and worth in a new life.  She has to find something to fight for and to live for that is bigger than she is.  She must have something that is life-affirming and that will give her life meaning; something that will force her to think about someone else who has no voice or who has been unfairly punished or put into a situation that is prejudicial or discriminating.    I want to be able to write to a new Dianne; a Dianne who loves what she does and who feels like she is living a worthwhile life again. This struggle for psychological survival and self-esteem in our culture is going to be a difficult task.   But the new Dianne can do it.     Hello Dianne – I am going to have an exciting time discovering a brand new you.  With love and gentle healing – be patient with yourself.  You will be OK.