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| The evil mother-in-law |
There are so many jokes about mothers-in-law, all of them sarcastically
clever, biting and mean. Oh, so not
true.
The stereo-type of the evil
mother-in-law (MIL) puts all MIL’s into the evil pot. That, therefore, puts all daughters-in-law
(DIL) into the ‘never is at fault and constantly perfect’ pot. Oh, so not true.
I have been a MIL to a son-in-law (SIL) and apart from a few arguments
early on in my daughter’s marriage; I have always been treated with respect. I respect him as the head of his home and the
boundaries are clear. I do not offer
advice unless I am asked; and after 16 years of my SIL being in my life, I can
honestly say that I love him with all my heart.
The greatest compliment I received from my SIL is that I am the reason
for the wonderful wife he has.
I never really thought about the relationship between MIL’s and DIL’s,
until I became a MIL to a DIL. Over the
last seven years, I have spent, not hours, but days and weeks trying to
understand my DIL and trying to find a middle road where we can both walk;
where my son does not have to feel torn between two women. Now, I am not only a MIL, but I am also a
grandmother (GM), the distance between us has widened. Every
angle, every attempt to narrow the divide has been to no avail.
Eventually I decided that enough is enough. I know that it takes two to tango, so I began
to research the relationships between MIL’s and DIL’s to see if there is
something that I can do to make my feet dance in time to hers, so that neither
of us step on one another’s toes or feelings. I owe this much to my son.
My research has come up with the following five biggest mistakes a MIL
can make.
1. Assuming your DIL wants your advice. From all the research, I have found that the
biggest problem in all friction between MIL’s and DIL’s is unsolicited
advice. Not guilty!
2.
Thinking the mother-son relationship will not change after his marriage.
Guilty! I have had to find a new mode of access to him
and a new way of communicating. I know
that my role as mother has become redundant.
He is now a husband and a father.
3.
Offering to help out with housework or disciplining children. Not guilty!
4.
Trying too hard to be nice.
Guilty as charged! I have tried
and tried and tried not to be the evil MIL; and always to say or do the right
and proper thing.
5.
Criticizing your daughter-in-law to your son. Guilty!
Early in the relationship I would ask my son, “Why does DIL not smile or
speak?” or “Is there something wrong with DIL because she seems so angry?” In the last three years, I have stopped
mentioning her name because no matter how innocent the question or comment, my
son becomes defensive. Criticising the
DIL to your son is extremely damaging because he may bring up the topic with
the DIL and she will feel even more resentful towards the MIL. Unsolicited praise of the DIL by my son has
become part of almost every conversation we have.
Research finds that
the five biggest mistakes daughters-in-law make are:
1. Being over-sensitive. DIL’s can be very sensitive to anything
their MILS say
2. Taking a confrontational stand
too quickly. This does not happen with
DIL because she does not talk to me.
3. Expecting equal treatment. DIL’s expect the MIL to take as much care about
her career as she does her son.
4. Letting things slide at the
start. If you find that your MIL is interfering too much,
or visiting too often, or offering too much advice, don't put off talking to
her about it. Set limits. Bad habits become ingrained quickly.
5. Failing to put yourself in her shoes. A MIL is
also a person with feelings and opinions.
To reassure her that she is a respected and important part of the family
would go a long way to making life happier for all.
I used to think that daughters-in-law were the ones with the in-law problems
and stories. But, mothers-in-law have their
share of stories too. I have asked some of my friends who have
daughters-in-law; most appreciate their DIL’s but a few have DIL’s from hell. From asking others about their DIL
experiences, I have come to the conclusion that there are a few things that I
would love my daughter-in-law (and son) to know.
1. Although my relationship with my son has changed, remember that
I am still his mother.
“Even though you are the woman in my son’s life now, be considerate of
the fact that I used to be the woman in his life. The most important thing you can do for me is
to love my son unconditionally”.
2. Accept me for who I am.
“Accept my eccentricities and who I am.
You cannot ask a tiger why he is a tiger. I am who I am. It is my nature. Make
allowances for my illness. Don’t use it
as an excuse to stay away.
3. Please respect my age and experience.
“It would really be nice if you could use a name when you speak to
me and greet me when you see me. A
goodbye when you leave would also be nice.
I am not the enemy. I could be a
very good support system for when you need it”.
4. Talk with me about hard things.
“If I have offended you, I may not know this. You have the freedom tell
me what I have done if I have offended you. Let’s both assume that the other is doing the
best she can. Don’t hold on to things
from the past. What is done is done and
cannot be undone. So let us not harbour
resentment or guilt but move forward into a brighter future for the benefit of us
all. Children can have more than one
grandmother, and they can also have wonderful relationships with both”.
5. Remember, we are family.
“Please include me in some of the
family activities and traditions.”
6. Communicate with me.
“I wish I could pick up the phone
and call you just to chat.”
7. Get to know me as a person.
“I am a person with feelings, passions and ideas. They are not just an
extension of the man you married. Don’t compare me to your mother. I don’t want to be your mother. I only want us to feel comfortable and safe
in one another’s company. Try to
understand me by putting yourself in my shoes.”
8. Express expectations clearly.
“Please don’t interpret my desire
to be helpful as criticism of you. I do not intend this. It would help if you would tell me the best
ways that I could help you.”
9. Help me know my grandchild.
Let us try to find different ways for me to get to know who my
grandchild is.”
10. Thank you!
“You truly are the wind beneath
my son’s sails, and one of the best mother’s I have ever known. I really appreciate you for that”.
Most mothers- in-law want to connect with their daughter-in-law. They want to find common ground. They want to
know the DIL as an individual woman with feelings, beliefs, and ideas. Even if it takes years, most MIL’s and DIL’s eventually
do learn to love one another. I want my DIL and I to appreciate one another,
enjoy being together, and with time, to truly love each other. I want our relationship to grow to the point where our emotional deposits into one another are equal. I want to feel part of the family. Please don’t shut me out.
There are three kinds of relationships. Good, bad and indifferent, and the last one is the worst kind. Few people mention that their dreams at the beginning of the relationship have become a downward spiral of just surviving … just making it through the day … the week…the year. And the quiet complaint of “You don’t bring me flowers anymore” goes unanswered. He may just be too busy watching TV.
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