Monday, November 13, 2017

I am Still Winning

I had a few small miracles I wanted in my life before I die – one of them was to swing on a swing and feel the wind blow my hair back.  This weekend I did that – it was not quite what I had imagined, but I went for a swing in the park.  I had been sleeping for most of my days over the previous week, but that need to swing was overpowering.  There are other small miracles I want; like learning to fly a kite.  That will have to wait a while.
This morning I decided I would bath, knowing my nurse was in the house, I thought I could do it alone.  I got in slowly, sat on my knees and then slid each leg out from under me and I bathed.  But I could not get out.  I tried and tried and then I started shouting for Vimbai.  She was outside and did not hear me.  So I sat in that bath, every now and then attempting to get out on my own.  I lost the battle, shouting once more for Vimbai.  She came and it was a struggle for even the two of us to get me out.  I was exhausted to the point that she had to dry me, dress me and put me back in bed.

Another piece of my independence has gone and I value my independence so much.  
And I cry for one more thing I can’t do on my own.  There is less and less I can do on my own and for myself.  Many say miracles can happen and I could be healed, but I no longer believe that.  It is what it is.  That is why my miracles are small; like swinging and flying a kite.   I am more determined than ever to die on my own terms.  I will not allow myself to be totally dependent on others for my every breath, nor am I prepared to suffer what is insufferable.  But until then, I will continue to write and to connect to others via social media.  While I can still do that, I am still winning. 
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