Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Exceptional Patients


For years I studied and read books on how to help people heal. I started reading them again but this time from the perspective of healing myself.   If I thought I knew things before, I am only starting to learn them now. If I thought I had compassion before, now I realize that it was only 10% of the compassion I now feel for others. I wonder sometimes at how arrogant I was to think that I could be any kind of healer, or even a conduit for healing; or even being able to offer any sort of comfort.   All my years of studying and writing exams did not give me the amount of compassion or knowledge that I accumulated in a few months of being diagnosed with leukemia.

Love, Medicine & Healing  by Bernie S. Siegel, The Anatomy of an Illness by Norman Cousins and Making Miracles by Paul C Roud are books that I read years ago. These books made such an impression on me, that  I have carried them around as part of my material baggage ever since. Once I was serious about getting well, I pulled them out and read them again. What a difference it is to read a book from the perspective of the ‘patient’ as opposed to reading from the perspective of the ‘healer’ (if there is such a thing outside of ourselves). Roud writes about those who have made exceptional recoveries, Cousins writes about how he healed himself and Siegel writes as a physician. 

There are a number of issues common to all the exceptional patients described in these three books. It is those characteristics and behaviors that I want to incorporate into my life so that I too can be an exceptional patient with an exceptional recovery. I do believe that true healing is not just about the physical body. We all have to die. True healing is learning how to live properly…how to live a fulfilled life…how to love…and how to live until we die. This, for me, is true healing. 

The biggest thing that is common to all exceptional patients is that they all changed their lives dramatically, to do what makes them happy and to cut out stress or concern about small things. 

Another common denominator of exceptional patients is that they all take charge of their bodies and the recovery.  Ninety percent of all patients in the above-mentioned books, made their doctor, physician or consultant their partner’s and advisor’s in the healing process.  Only one person said that she had such complete faith in her doctor that she left all decisions up to him.   The exceptional patient with a rare disease has to become his or her own detective and often ends up with more knowledge of the disease than the primary doctor or specialist.

 Never give up. Keep looking for that cure – it could be something so simple that the specialists, consultants and scientists have overlooked it.  If you are too tired to get out of bed, then stay in bed.  Don’t push yourself beyond what you are capable of doing and don’t worry about disappointing others.  You can never make them all happy, and the ones who you think will be there for you until the bitter end – big mistake and huge disappointment.  They move on with their lives and you are left alone with yourself in your bedroom.  You are not fun anymore and you can’t do things for them anymore so you become a drag or they pop in for a duty call.  I really would rather they did not come.  They no longer add anything to my life and I don’t want someone to visit me out of duty.   It must come from the heart or not at all. 

When you feel you cannot take another step, go into a quiet corner of the house and just breath in through your nose and out through your mouth and picture anything that calms you in your mind.  Very soon you will find that you can take ten more steps.  It is not about how often we fall that makes us exceptional; it is that we always get up one more time than we fall.

There will be some very bad days where you will wonder what the purpose of suffering is.  There will be days where you will cry (even those who are not ill have pity parties), and there will be days you cannot get out of bed.  And of course, the worst days when you think it would be better to be dead.   But something happens.  Someone makes you smile.  A stranger gives you a flower.  Your partner makes you a meal.  Someone cleans your kitchen … and before long the wish to be dead (as in going to sleep and never having to face any more suffering) floats away and on the horizon comes a rainbow to lighten up your life.  You will now have walked ten more steps than you ever thought possible.

 My advice to myself and to anyone who is chronically ill is to pack up and throw out anything that does not bring you joy – and do whatever it is that needs to be done so that you can live that life you long for NOW!  Make it happen.  Make your happiness your priority and your happiness will help your body heal by it's own intelligence.
 
Stay strong my fellow travelers.  There is much living still to be done!

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Last Public Words on Eugene de Kock - by me

My task is complete.  I can now put this cause of championing for the freedom of Eugene de Kock down.  He called me today.  His strict parole conditions will be lifted shortly, and under the circumstances he is happy.  I asked him if he has everything he needs.  Like the true gentleman that I have come to know through my research, his answer was, “I have a bed, blankets, food … I have much more than many people in our country has”. 
It is not a co-incidence, but a God-incidence that I had already written this piece and had decide to call it  “My final public words on Eugene de Kock” when Eugene phoned me from Julian Knights office.    I am still going to share the majority of what I had already written with you.  Only my introduction has changed because I got that phone call at 14h00 today.  Eugene has asked me to close the group by midnight tomorrow, 15 May 2015.   I will delete everyone from the group by 21h00.
This has been quite a journey.  Through lobbying and championing for a release from prison of Eugene de Kock, I have lost many so-called friends and DNA family.  The decision to take on this cause was made when I received a reply from Eugene de Kock in response to a letter that I had sent him.  He told me in that letter that he was a lost cause, and my energies would be better spent on something else.  The moment I read that sentence was the moment that a great and driving passion gave birth within me to see a wrong put right. 
Over the years I watched our membership grow from a membership of 3 to a membership of over 3500 members.  That in itself was a miracle because Eugene de Kock was a very unpopular political hot potato.  And an even larger miracle was that so many people, including previous enemies, stood together and with one voice in harmony, requested his release on compassionate grounds only.
On 31 January 2015, Eugene de Kock was given parole by the Minister of Justice and Correctional Services.  Another miracle!!
The lies, secrecy, double agents, secret security agents and the unknown whereabouts of this prisoner between that day and today can only be described as unconstitutional, a human rights abuse and has left more questions about parole than answers.  Every question asked, created more uncertainty.
My own involvement over the last three months has been harrowing.  The numbers of people who have wanted to ride on the infamy of Eugene and whose egos have needed to be stroked have been too many.  These vocal people were members of our group until fairly recently, when hearing the truth no longer suited them.   Their agendas and our agendas started to deviate more and more.    Up to the point when the Minister announced Eugene’s parole, I entertained those who had different agenda’s to mine, only because I had decided that if it were necessary for me to sup with the devil in order to get Eugene free, then I would do it.   Once I had established that my intuition was right about the ‘strangest parole ever’, I was no longer prepared to entertain people who were out to gain benefit from Eugene.   What shocked me the most was that not even those closest to him, or his legal representatives, knew what had happened to him or that he had gone missing.  Everyone had become so complacent after the Minister’s announcement, that he was forgotten! 
I did not forget.  I even put up with people telling me to leave the man alone, and wanting to know what I was trying to gain from disturbing his peace.  I have been offended and demonized over and over, but the latest allegation that I used a ploy to fraudulently accumulate money for myself by using a “pension for Eugene de Kock” scheme is not only a lie, it is insulting to my integrity.  
With Conrad Kruger and Jaap Cilliers now working as Vos’s (Eugene’s brother) legal team, and in conjunction with Julian Knight and Roelof du Plessis for Eugene, my input is no longer required.  The petition for a Pardon or Unconditional Release can continue up until Eugene’s sentence of 25 years has been served, or until Eugene informs Ben Kruger or myself to withdraw it from circulation.   
Eugene was sentenced to 212 years which was commuted to life imprisonment.  From my understanding of our Justice and Correctional Services law, a person who has a life sentence can be unconditionally released after serving 25 years.  Eugene has served 20 years of the 25 years.  The five years between are the years that he has been given parole for.  Thus, after 25 years, he will by law have an unconditional release, which means that he will be truly free and not under the supervision of the Department of Correctional Services.
I no longer want my words and my writing to be policed by others.  I want to write what I like, as Steve Biko used to say.  I also no longer want to be the scapegoat for others with ulterior and impure motives.
What I have gained by taking on the cause to free Eugene de Kock cannot be measured in money.  Eugene has on many occasions given me the reason to get up and fight harder for my own life.  For that, I will be eternally grateful.  I regret nothing.
I wish everyone in the Free Eugene de Kock FB Group every blessing and that each of us will always have enough of whatever it is we need, and a little more besides so that we can help one another.  My prayer for Eugene de Kock is that his true freedom becomes a reality as soon as is humanly possible for the legal teams to arrange.
Thank you for all your support, love and concern, not only for Eugene, but for me personally over the years.   Thank you too must go to the admins of the group, Ben Kruger, James Marx and Dewaldt Louw for the thousands of man hours that went into this campaign.  I would be re-miss if I did not include a thank you to all the female warriors of the group. Their intuition was right every time.  
I have made some life-long friends – people who I am proud to be associated with.  May the breeze be always at your back, the sun on your shoulders and may every storm contain the glimmer of a rainbow.
With love always

Merc Chick 
P.S. I will never forget the courage and tenacity of the group who fought this fight!  I salute you all. 

The Issue of the Colour of My Skin

Racism – I have often heard the comment, “I am not racist.  I have lots of friends who are white/black”.   That is basically the argument used by all and sundry when the conversation turns to racism.

I would like to ask these non-racists a few questions and would like to hear their honest reply.

Have you ever slept with, loved with, cried with, laughed with, attended cultural events with, attended celebrations with, attended funerals with, hugged, cared about, worked with, given to, received from, had arguments with, agreed with, promoted or criticized, dreamed with, bathed with, been naked with, dressed with, showered with, eaten with, prepared food with, shopped with, gone hungry with, learned the language of, or loved completely and totally a person or people of a different colour skin to yours?


Because if those with the loudest defence at being accused of racism were honest, their answer to all or most of these questions would be “NO”.  

I can answer “YES” to all these questions.    Through luck, fate or destiny, Africa is the continent of my birth.  Children do not see me as being different to them for love has no colour; it is the adults who make a huge issue out of the light complexion of my skin. 

Monday, May 11, 2015

Having a NAFI day!

Do you also have days when you are a complete NAFI – when you have No Ambition and F-all Interest?  
Do your thoughts flit from one place to another, never settling long enough to reach a conclusion?  Do you wonder what the purpose of life really is?  Do you get butterflies in your tummy that refuse to fly in formation, no matter how many commands you give them?  Do you consider your non-existence or your complete absence of consciousness?  Do you also sometimes look at what is going on in the world and wonder if there can possibly be a God that knows what He is doing?  Do you sometimes struggle to see only the good in people and to continually have a non-judgemental attitude?  Are you always grateful for the moment or realize that this moment is all we have?  Do you also think that you are just a microcosm of the big macrocosm out there and that as a grain of sand you can affect nothing; or does that also alternate with knowing that every action has a reaction and therefore the grain of sand can make a difference?   Do you think about life being just birth, procreation, suffering and death?  Do you also think that life is very messy and it is not just a choice between positive and negative, or between two opposing ideas or concepts?  Do you have days when you can fly kites under a carpet?


The only answer to all these questions is that tomorrow holds the possibility of having all the answers.  Tomorrow your spirit may fly ever higher and the energy you receive will be spent on living a day worth remembering. 

Friday, May 8, 2015

Spooks, Spies, Paranoia and Eugene de Kock !!

The secrecy around the parole of Eugene de Kock and the subsequent events, which remain shaded and in the shadows, has got me thinking that we are in a state of communistic paranoia.  
Inside a story, is another story, and inside that one, is another.  There are circles within circles within ever diminishing circles until only one thing remains, Eugene de Kock.  From the point of Eugene, the events and the circles move outward like the ripples that continuously make rings when you throw a stone into the middle of a large, but still pond. 
I think I have read every non-fiction book and journal ever written on Communism; from the birth of Karl Marx to the life and times of Mao.  My greed for knowledge of communism has stemmed from the part I played in the political history of our country, South Africa.
It is against the background of this knowledge that I have begun to unravel and understand the reasons behind the secrecy and lies, the spies and the double agents and the shadowy world in which people within a secret State Security Agency live. 
What a person is told is very rarely the truth in a communist state where paranoia rules.  Paranoia is only found in sane people who are able to lie and keep secrets, and in people who can divide their personality and essential self into separate compartments and play different roles convincingly.  Secrets, lies and fear lie behind the hide-and-seek game being played out with Eugene de Kock.  And it is not fair and it is not just.
From being the highest decorated police officer ever in South Africa, he became the scapegoat; the common criminal and prisoner of a society that had changed its mind.   The terrorist in prison for treason became the President; the man who put his life at risk for his country became the criminal.  What a terrible price to pay for a few men who changed their minds, and then a media who jumped on the band wagon to demonise a hero?  A hero decorated for bravery thrown into prison and a terrorist applauded and praised!
Yes, I understand now.  Eugene de Kock knows too much about too many important people and the mere mention or rumour spread about previous spies, askaris and double agents is enough to keep him away from society so that his silence can be enforced.  Political careers are made and demolished by mere suggestions or rumours that someone was a collaborator with the Apartheid state.   Is Eugene being ‘protected’ or ‘kept in custody’ by the SSA?   Of course, the normal unthinking person will say “Oh! That is good that they are protecting him.  Why are you worried?”   Another completely ignorant person will say, “Oh! But I thought he was on parole?”  And yet another will say to me, “Why don’t you just let it go now?  Give the man some peace!”  And the most stupid of them all are those who spread lies about me because I have become a threat to the egos of others. 
The question that arises is this: 
Is he being protected or is he still being held in custody by the State Security Agency (SSA) instead of the Department of Correctional Services (DCS)?
Did the Department of Justice and Correctional Services make a blunder when they denied his parole on the basis of not having consulted with the victims?   After that denial for that particular reason, the request for parole could not later be denied after fulfilling the required reason when he was denied parole.  In other words, once the Department of Justice and Correctional Services said, “You can’t get parole because you have not consulted with the victims”, when he applied again, there was no longer a reason to with-hold parole.
If the Department of Justice and Correctional Services made a blunder, the next best thing for the government to do would be to hand him over to another state agency to keep him away from society and to keep him silenced.  This is actually what seems to have happened to Eugene.  He was taken from his cell (without any of his belongings), three days before the Minister of Justice announced his parole to the media, by members of the South African Police Service.  From there he was handed over to the State Security Agency.  Thus, Correctional Services said they did not have him, the South African Police Service said they did not have him and the Minister of Justice continued to state that he was on parole.
Let us not forget that Eugene de Kock pleaded guilty and was sentenced as an ordinary criminal and not as a political prisoner.  That being a fact, he should have been given the exact same rights of any parolee or common criminal, given the same sentence.  It is another fact that this was not done and that his parole has become entwined in a political situation where the agenda is to keep him away from normal society.  Since we now know that he is being held by the SSA, and he is being guarded by many vehicles and agents, and that even a single visit to his family entailed an enormous cloak and dagger state of affairs, should anything untoward happen to him, our fingers will be pointing exactly to those in whose custody he is.  Vlakplaas was just such an entity.  The weaving and ducking being done by the SSA is no different to the ducking and diving that was being done by the previous government’s secret agencies.  
Imagine the enormous amount of money it is taking for this country to keep one man away from society?  To do this, there has got to be an unending supply of money for one or other slush funds...slush funds similar to those funds that kept the previous governments various law and order agencies floating.  How else were askaris and spies paid?  How else where passports, documents and various things forged? How else were borders crossed and air tickets paid for?  It took money, money that was allocated to a particular slush fund for a particular purpose.  And that is what is happening now – Eugene has become an operation or a project.  There needs to be authorisation from somewhere for such an operation or project to come into existence, so who authorised the “Operation Eugene de Kock” or the “Project Eugene de Kock”.   Of course, the operation or project may have any name, such as “Project Honeybadger” or “Operation HKGK”.
The Communists are adept hands at this cloak and dagger stuff – the problem here though is that there are a lot of us who know that one and one does not make two.  Communism is enshrouded in back-stabbing, intelligence and counter-intelligence, false flags and secrets within secrets.   The politics of communism call into effect a society of whisperers, because no one knows who can be trusted and mothers are sold for less than twenty pieces of silver.   The only way to stay at the top is to use fear to silence people.   People are afraid to say anything about anything that is unpopular with the government or the ANC.  And people are afraid to get involved or to speak of Eugene de Kock; even afraid to sign a petition asking that he be given the parole he was given on the 30 January 2015.
Being held by the SSA, whether for protection or for incarceration, allows Eugene a lot more quality of care than when he was in prison.  He can put his own light on and off, he can eat when he wants, he can watch the sunrise and the sunset should he want, he can sleep when he wants, but he has extremely limited (worse than prison) contact with the outside world, including this family.

Years ago, I made an oath that I would do everything in my power to see Eugene de Kock freed, and having been extremely happy with the decision to grant him parole, I find the current situation totally unacceptable. If this is how I feel, someone who has never even met the man, I cannot even begin to try and get my head around how his loved ones must feel.   The more I learn and the more pieces of the puzzle I put together via my different sources, the more despair I feel.  Why are those in power so afraid of what Eugene de Kock knows?    He is not a threat to society, he is not hero worshipped and he has no political aspirations.  He is just an officer and a gentleman.   Put down your paranoia please Mr Minister of Justice and Mr President.  We really don’t care about what you did during the previous government.  In fact, we don’t care about the past at all.  We want to live today to make it better for tomorrow.   NOW … FREE EUGENE DE KOCK !!

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Don’t Bury me until I’m Dead!

The struggle that happens inside of us when our abilities, skills, friends, family and dreams are stripped away due to a chronic and debilitating, often terminal illness, and our search for new foundations and meanings is often more stressful and difficult to bear than the pain and symptoms of the physical disease.  
It has been my biggest struggle and has caused me the most stress.  As everyone knows, stress makes every ache and pain worse than it really is.  There is mourning for all the things we have lost and a feeling of insecurity in every moment … what happens next?  I have been to psychiatrists and psychologists, I have spoken to others in the same predicament and I have read every self-help book that remotely has bearing on my problem.   I have spent hundreds of hours questioning even the very purpose of life, let alone the purpose of suffering.   What a terribly lonely road this is on which we travel.   I want to share with you a few of the insights I have learned on this journey.
This illness is not against you.  This is not punishment. You did nothing wrong. Illness is not an indication of weakness.  It is a message that you have worked hard enough, and it is now time to slow down to this moment. We need to leave every unnecessary thing behind. We have to stop rewinding the movie of our past lives and stop fast forwarding to a future of missed chances, unreachable goals and death.  We need to even let go of our search for answers.  We will know the answers soon enough.
Let us find a place of gratitude amongst the rubble of our old dreams…from a place that has no future ideas that can never become a reality, to a place where we can again discover the delight of uncertainty, never knowing the outcome.  This is a time when we need to let go of how we thought life would be and come to terms with how life actually is, in this moment. It is in this moment that we will find a sacred place for comfort, safety and peace.
Admitting that you are tired of trying to get better, tired of trying to pretend you are well when you are not, tired of explaining the unexplainable, tired of continually trying to fit into your old life, tired of accomplishing nothing in a day, even to yourself will bring a measure of relief.   Stop trying to please others, stop trying to be more than you are in this moment, because all that you are is good enough.  
Allow your body to guide you in what you can and cannot achieve in a day.  And then let it be.  If today you managed to get out of bed and get dressed, you have already achieved.  If you only managed to go to the toilet without help, you have already achieved.  There will always be days that you will wake up and be glad you never took your life yesterday.  There will also be days when you wake up and are sorry you did not take the departure ticket you were offered yesterday.  And this too is OK.
When doctors and nursing staff begin to withdraw their emotional input, know that this is only their way of dealing with their own emotions and it is no fault of yours.  Their withdrawal is a measure of how much emotion went into trying to get you well.  And it is OK.
When the pain becomes unbearable – stop, close your eyes and allow the sensations to move through your body.  Use your imagination and breathe in healing energy while breathing out the pain.  Do whatever works for you, but don’t beat yourself up about it.  Vomiting and pain cannot last forever, nor yet for very long.  As surely as the sun follows the rain, the pain will subside and you will be able to think once again.  Just try taking one minute at a time, and then the next minute, and eventually you will be able to do it for ten minutes at a time – when you get to an hour at a time, you are through your crisis.
This illness is an invitation to stop, slow down and do whatever it is that is most important to you.  Make a bucket list of things you are able to do and that you would like to do.   Then aim at just one of them.  If you are unable to do anything about it today, tomorrow holds the possibility of more energy that will take you one step closer to that goal.  Find something that is bigger than you – something you can do that will serve others, even if it is only using social networking.  It will present you with an issue that can give your life new meaning.  With today’s technology, you could join any number of groups with the same interests as you.  Just because you are ill, does not mean that you are unable to learn something new every day.  Learn a new language, learn to play a musical instrument, take a part of history that interests you and study it, read all the books you have always wanted to read but never had the time, start a journal that you can leave behind for your children or grandchildren so they can remember you or learn about what kind of a person you were.  Become your own best friend and do whatever it is you would tell your best friend to do under these circumstances. 
If you have a rare disease, become your own medical detective.  Read as much as you can about your disease.  Rare diseases are seldom seen by physicians and you are likely to learn more than your primary doctor and unless you are at a research station, you will also know more than your specialist or consultant.  Become an active participant in your own journey.  Become an exceptional patient.  Exceptional patients help the medical profession to see things they may have overlooked.  Often, it is the exceptional patient who will stumble on a cure for a previously incurable disease. 
Your life is not over.  You have only just started a new one.   Walk courageously (even if it is in a wheelchair or bed) forward.  A new day has dawned.  Every day you live is a miracle – you are not defeated.  Everything is OK and it is OK not to be OK.  

Monday, May 4, 2015

Some of the reasons why I feel disconcerted about Jansen’s book!


Page 307 
“Dit voel asof ‘n gewig wat te swaar word om af te gooi op my Afrikanerborskas druk.  Dit is ‘n wekroep.  Ek beset dat dit te na aan die afgrond begin loop het … Aan die een kant besef ek dat as ek nie so diep in die hart Van die hoer … ingeklim het nie, sou ek nie tot groter insig kon kom oor Eugene die mens, die soldaat en die sluipmoordenaar van die staat nie.  Om die boek oor Eugene en die tydperk van waansin van die Vlakplaas-era te kon voltooi, moes ek kop eerste inspring.  Aan die ander kant voel dit vir my ek weet nou te veel.  Ek moet uit.  Ek wil uit” 
These last two sentences have made me extremely angry – why was she visiting and chasing after colleagues of EdK if she did not feel comfortable?  Was this seriously done for the good of Eugene or just another way of feathering her nest?   The unsavoury comments that are flowing out of every media advertising of this book is bringing up more hate than is necessary in the comments, but she is not there to defend the main character of her book.  I am an outsider to her views and character regarding the reasons she wrote this book, but I am very much an insider to EdK due to the thousands of hours I have spent researching and reading.  

She goes on to quote from Antjie Krog’s Country of my Skull by concluding that “We (Afrikaners) are so utterly sorry.  We are deeply ashamed and gripped with remorse”.  (My italics)   Was Jansen just one more person who used Eugene?    Has Eugene de Kock not been used by far too many people already?  I am not ashamed, nor am I gripped with remorse over our past.  I am not ashamed of Eugene.  He kept us, as well as people like Jansen, safe in their beds. 

I am deeply ashamed by the say the apartheid government used Eugene de Kock as the scapegoat for the collective responsibility of the entire cabinet and their minions.  I am deeply ashamed that we left one of our own behind. We still have to work on bringing our brother home permanently.