Showing posts with label leukemia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label leukemia. Show all posts

Thursday, October 31, 2019

STONED ...


The picture here was taken so that I could show the nurses what happens when they try to draw blood or put up a drip and they have to use the chemo-port. Just one of the many, many challenges I have when I go into hospital and do not behave or get blood results like other people.

Doctors recognise what they have been taught and only see what they recognise is what one professor told me and that is so true. When looking at blood results, for example, they will count the red blood cells and give you a number which will tell you whether you are positive or negative or whatever, But they don't bloody look to see if the cell actually is capable of doing the job!! On my full blood count my WBC is way up there .... could never get sick on it. However, on closer examination, it is found that that little B cell is a blasted cancer cell and the other is immature so can't stop the germ. There is a missing enzyme.

And then, of course, there are doctors that think horses when they hear hoofbeats and will never hear the hoofbeats of a zebra. I am a Zebra. After what I could seriously call a basic human rights violation by the medical aid, I have decided to do my own methods and use those of the medical fields that can help me and I have my own regime ... one of which is having one hundred percent uncut black raw cannabis oil full dosage 3 x a day. The one thing I have come to like is this feeling that everything is going to be OK. And I truly believe if I can get to Bloemfontein to Dr Frieda Pienaar, she will save my life.


While being stoned during this new regime may sound good and hilariously funny, it also allows for massive creativity. The things I can make in my head ... and the words I type for my book just flows ... just being calm and delayed. So you mooching along happily and then suddenly ....you feel like you are dying ... you are back in that horrible body that aches everywhere, where the slightest touch of a hand on my skin feels like sandpaper when every step screams pain in a vomit sounding screech where you struggle for air and when you just can't lift your own leg into bed ... Fuck it!!. From the heights of glory to the pits of hell.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Paragraph from 2nd last chapter of Anchor of My Soul

Anchor of my Soul 
Father Leo, the Catholic priest came to visit me.  He told me that there are lots and lots of Catholics in Bloemfontein and that almost every nurse in the ward is a Catholic and that is why he can come and go as he pleases in this ward.   He asked me if I would like the blessing of the sick and of course I said yes.  Insurance…just in case!   
The second time he came to see me, he remembered not only my name, but the answers to all his questions he had put to me the first time he came to give me the blessing of the sick.
          “I am really busy today Dianne.  I have lots of patients to see in a number of hospitals.  Do you want me to say a quick prayer for you?” Father Leo asked me.
          “If you make it quick, that will be great.  Thanks Father”, I responded.
          “Right”, he said, pulling up a chair next to the bed.  “Let’s get on with it then”.  He closed his eyes and began.  “Father, we bring you our sister, Dianne, this morning.  Please can you let her stay down here a little longer?  The world needs activists and I don’t think you need a deputy just yet. Now where did I put the sacrament…?”  He stopped praying while he leaned down, picked up his battered little bag and began scratching around in it.

          “Father, you still praying”, I said, quite astonished by the sudden interruption not only of his prayer and his thoughts, but his actions as well.

          “Now…now…Dianne!   If God has patience with me, don’t you think you could have a little as well?  And by the way, did I mention to you that the story of Job in the Bible is not true.  It is just a parable.  Every person who has studied theology should know that!”


I don’t know where that last sentence came from and what relevance it had to me, but it patience thing and Job shut me up pretty quickly and gave me food for thought for the rest of the day. 

Saturday, July 26, 2014

What I learned from having Cancer

Orange for Leukemia 
What I learned from having Cancer

When I was diagnosed
…I was forced to slow down and realize that there is perfection in every moment
…I learned that being dependent on someone, does not make me weak
…I stopped trying to save the world and became more effective by concentrating on just one challenge
…I found that chemotherapy is not as bad as everyone thinks
I had time to reflect on the past and appreciate my accomplishments
I stopped settling for second best because I realize my worth.
I turned my bedroom from a flop house to a sanctuary
I threw out rubbish and unnecessary stuff so no one had to do that when I’m gone.
…I asked my kids forgiveness for some bad decisions I made during their childhood and they laughed at my silliness.
I learned that if today is a bad one, tomorrow will be better.
I understand that I am alone on this journey and it feels OK.
I have come close to kicking the bucket a couple of times and I discovered that dying is not scary.
I stopped listening to unsolicited phone calls and found that saying NO is liberating.
I learned that…well-meaning people who never had cancer tell you that strange concoctions, howling at the moon and drinking holy cows piss from India is the cure.
…that speaking my truth allows others to speak theirs.
I understand that I don’t have to be brave and put up with pain; that pain can be managed.
I found that UK medical personnel can’t say prick, and having a needle stuck in your arm is described as a scratch, but hospitals have Spotty Dick Pudding on the menu.
I no longer care what time I sleep or when I eat … anytime is perfect.
I have learned that taking control of the little things in my life improves my chances of living fully
…that want to is more important than have to
...that having a rare cancer is far worse than having the garden variety type that everyone, including the medical profession understands 
…that there is always someone else in a leakier boat than mine
My mind is open to miraculous possibilities, my heart is open to giving and receiving love … and all is peaceful in my world.
 Copyright Dianne Lang