Whoa!!! Mothers-in-law also have a story!!

The evil mother-in-law

There are so many jokes about mothers-in-law, all of them sarcastically clever, biting and mean. Oh, so not true.

The stereo-type of the evil mother-in-law (MIL) puts all MIL’s into the evil pot. That, therefore, puts all daughters-in-law (DIL) into the ‘never is at fault and constantly perfect’ pot. Oh, so not true.

I have been a MIL to a son-in-law (SIL) and apart from a few arguments early on in my daughter’s marriage; I have always been treated with respect. I respect him as the head of his home and the boundaries are clear. I do not offer advice unless I am asked; and after 16 years of my SIL being in my life, I can honestly say that I love him with all my heart. The greatest compliment I received from my SIL is that I am the reason for the wonderful wife he has.

I never really thought about the relationship between MIL’s and DIL’s, until I became a MIL to a DIL. Over the last seven years, I have spent, not hours, but days and weeks trying to understand my DIL and trying to find a middle road where we can both walk; where my son does not have to feel torn between two women. Now, I am not only a MIL, but I am also a grandmother (GM), the distance between us has widened. Every angle, every attempt to narrow the divide has been to no avail.

Eventually I decided that enough is enough. I know that it takes two to tango, so I began to research the relationships between MIL’s and DIL’s to see if there is something that I can do to make my feet dance in time to hers, so that neither of us step on one another’s toes or feelings. I owe this much to my son.

My research has come up with the following five biggest mistakes a MIL can make.

1. Assuming your DIL wants your advice. From all the research, I have found that the biggest problem in all friction between MIL’s and DIL’s is unsolicited advice. Not guilty!

2. Thinking the mother-son relationship will not change after his marriage. Guilty! I have had to find a new mode of access to him and a new way of communicating. I know that my role as mother has become redundant. He is now a husband and a father.

3. Offering to help out with housework or disciplining children. Not guilty!

4. Trying too hard to be nice. Guilty as charged! I have tried and tried and tried not to be the evil MIL; and always to say or do the right and proper thing.

5. Criticizing your daughter-in-law to your son. Guilty! Early in the relationship I would ask my son, “Why does DIL not smile or speak?” or “Is there something wrong with DIL because she seems so angry?” In the last three years, I have stopped mentioning her name because no matter how innocent the question or comment, my son becomes defensive. Criticising the DIL to your son is extremely damaging because he may bring up the topic with the DIL and she will feel even more resentful towards the MIL. Unsolicited praise of the DIL by my son has become part of almost every conversation we have.

Research finds that the five biggest mistakes daughters-in-law make are:

1. Being over-sensitive. DIL’s can be very sensitive to anything their MILS say

2. Taking a confrontational stand too quickly. This does not happen with DIL because she does not talk to me.

3. Expecting equal treatment. DIL’s expect the MIL to take as much care about her career as she does her son.

4. Letting things slide at the start. If you find that your MIL is interfering too much, or visiting too often, or offering too much advice, don't put off talking to her about it. Set limits. Bad habits become ingrained quickly.

5. Failing to put yourself in her shoes. A MIL is also a person with feelings and opinions. To reassure her that she is a respected and important part of the family would go a long way to making life happier for all.

I used to think that daughters-in-law were the ones with the in-law problems and stories. But, mothers-in-law have their share of stories too. I have asked some of my friends who have daughters-in-law; most appreciate their DIL’s but a few have DIL’s from hell. From asking others about their DIL experiences, I have come to the conclusion that there are a few things that I would love my daughter-in-law (and son) to know.

1. Although my relationship with my son has changed, remember that I am still his mother.

“Even though you are the woman in my son’s life now, be considerate of the fact that I used to be the woman in his life. The most important thing you can do for me is to love my son unconditionally”.

2. Accept me for who I am.

“Accept my eccentricities and who I am. You cannot ask a tiger why he is a tiger. I am who I am. It is my nature. Make allowances for my illness. Don’t use it as an excuse to stay away.

3. Please respect my age and experience.

“It would really be nice if you could use a name when you speak to me and greet me when you see me. A goodbye when you leave would also be nice. I am not the enemy. I could be a very good support system for when you need it”.

4. Talk with me about hard things.

“If I have offended you, I may not know this. You have the freedom tell me what I have done if I have offended you. Let’s both assume that the other is doing the best she can. Don’t hold on to things from the past. What is done is done and cannot be undone. So let us not harbour resentment or guilt but move forward into a brighter future for the benefit of us all. Children can have more than one grandmother, and they can also have wonderful relationships with both”.

5. Remember, we are family.

“Please include me in some of the family activities and traditions.”

6. Communicate with me.

“I wish I could pick up the phone and call you just to chat.”

7. Get to know me as a person.

“I am a person with feelings, passions and ideas. They are not just an extension of the man you married. Don’t compare me to your mother. I don’t want to be your mother. I only want us to feel comfortable and safe in one another’s company. Try to understand me by putting yourself in my shoes.”

8. Express expectations clearly.

“Please don’t interpret my desire to be helpful as criticism of you. I do not intend this. It would help if you would tell me the best ways that I could help you.”

9. Help me know my grandchild.

Let us try to find different ways for me to get to know who my grandchild is.”

10. Thank you!

“You truly are the wind beneath my son’s sails, and one of the best mother’s I have ever known. I really appreciate you for that”.

Most mothers- in-law want to connect with their daughter-in-law. They want to find common ground. They want to know the DIL as an individual woman with feelings, beliefs, and ideas. Even if it takes years, most MIL’s and DIL’s eventually do learn to love one another. I want my DIL and I to appreciate one another, enjoy being together, and with time, to truly love each other. I want our relationship to grow to the point where our emotional deposits into one another are equal. I want to feel part of the family. Please don’t shut me out.