Friday, March 27, 2015

But You Don't Look Sick - The Spoon Theory Explains My Life.

The Spoon Theory
by Christine Miserandino
www.butyoudontlooksick.com

 My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy.
Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.
As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?
I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn't seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick. As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? 
How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

 At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”.  She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.
I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted. Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.
She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did
she know how serious I would become? I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a neverending supply of "spoons". But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn't even started yet. I’ve wanted more "spoons" for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.
I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said " No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can't take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too." I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.
I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s "spoons", but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less "spoons". I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on "spoons", because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.
We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.
When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.
I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared”
Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day's plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count "spoons".
After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can't go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”
Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my "spoons".

 © 2003 by Christine Miserandino Butyoudontlooksick.com

Confessions from Dianne Lang on the Free Eugene de Kock Group

I have a confession to make to the members of the FREE EUGENE DE KOCK PAGE.  

I have never bullshitted anyone on this site, other than keeping my trap shut when I was given sensitive information.  That information and any other sensitive issues will be taken to my grave. That being said, it has been my MO to always work for the cause of the release of Eugene de Kock in a peaceful and legal way.  
However, during the last debacle with the media, I became militant in my fight.  I still kept my mouth shut, but found it exceedingly more difficult when my ‘legal and peaceful’ means of obtaining information was disregarded by numerous people.  My frustration levels went over the top and I sat fuming and dreaming of various means of getting him out and away – all of them illegal and militant.  However, these feelings were inside me and I did not pick up the pen to write them down, nor did I discuss them with anyone except my mother, whom most of you will know is 82 years old and thinks we are a bunch of ninnies for not having got him out of prison already and for doing everything by the book.

There is ALWAYS a reason behind what I do and with FREE EUGENE DE KOCK, I never write without a lot of thought and research.  My comments are NEVER spontaneous on the group – they are always weighed and measured, over and over.  I also check my information over and over and do not take the first thing I hear as the truth.  Often, it will take weeks before I have confirmation of something and only then do I post a comment.   I often cannot tell you the reason why I say what I say because I would NEVER betray a trust, will NEVER reveal a source, nor would I EVER do anything that could even remotely harm or hurt Eugene.   This means that other members often assume that I don’t know what I am talking about and I have to with-hold the response and realize that a hurt ego is only that.  I do not need to scream that I know what I am doing.  With-holding my often angry and frustrated response has become easier and easier.  

Eugene’s freedom is far, far more important than individual egos.  I have never wanted anything from doing this work – all I wanted was for Eugene to be unconditionally released or pardoned.  I do not have to meet him but I would dearly like to see a photo or a video of him walking free, with the wind behind him, the sun on his shoulders and a future that looks bright for him.  My MO in this cause is based on compassion for another human being, a desire to put a wrong right and to see justice done.  I have no ulterior motive and I will not, nor will I ever want to benefit in any way from this.

Members have various reasons for becoming a member of this group, and there are as many reasons as there are members.   The one thing that has kept us together, that has been the glue has been the desire to see him freed based on compassion.  We have in one voice, asked the same thing and we are a group in harmony with one another.   Given that, we also have had the spies, the spooks, the agent provocateurs and those who wanted to benefit from Eugene’s circumstances.  I have fought them behind the scenes where necessary, and with the help of Ben, James and Dewalt (and often Stef) we have banned, blocked and deleted them.  Some, me in particular, have kept some of these people close to me.  The reason?  The Art of War.  Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.  I have learned the skills of espionage – And I have used those skills for the benefit of our cause.

Although I am confined by my physical restrictions and am a prisoner of my body, I am completely free because I have nothing to lose.  Therefore, I don’t always have to play it safe.  I skate along the edge often and have had to get used to being the recipient of the most deleted posts.  This happens when the other admins decide that I am pushing the envelope too far.  And here comes my second confession:   I have not kept all the admins in the loop.  A secret is a secret and is only a secret when it is never shared.   If I have hurt anyone by my words – please forgive me for my intentions have always been to keep my eye on the ball, never letting anything obstruct my path in this walk for freedom for another man.  I have disregarded hurt and bruised personalities and egos.  I have made a lot of enemies, but I have been blessed with a great deal many friends of integrity, honesty and compassion.

Eugene’s life is in danger and he has been threatened.  These threats come from everywhere, and even on our group, there are those who would prefer it if he stayed in prison.   We are living in such a sick society that threats to Eugene’s life are even given front page space in the media – including mentioning the person who wants to kill him.   I am sure that you did see my response to that threat that I sent to the editor and it was published.  Once he was given parole by the Minister of Justice and Correctional Services, we were inundated with requests to join our group.  I conveyed my feelings to the other admin officers and we decided not to allow new members on the group.  If they had not given a damn about Eugene before the parole, why were they bothering now?  Curiosity and a suspect MO does not get you into our group. 

Many people are afraid of signing the petition – they think that they will get into trouble with the ANC and although they are members, they won’t sign the petition and they do not comment.  They just sit on the side-line, like watching a tennis match.  Deep down in their hearts they are compassionate, but they lack the courage to stand up.  The oppressed does not see any difference between the oppressor and the man who stands by and says nothing.   And bad things happen when good men remain silent. 

This is the longest and most difficult journey I decided to take on.  It has seen me crying in frustration, angry to the point of becoming militant, laughing with joy and falling into the depths of despair.  I have taken on other challenging journeys, but this one was different.  I studied and researched for months before I began.  I believed that this was a fight that could be won.  And I still do.

The members of this group have come to the table over and over again – when money was needed for legal representation, they gave unstintingly.  James Marx has spent thousands of hours on the site, checking who is who in the zoo before allowing them on.  Ben Kruger has led us away from the cul-de-sacs with his quiet and rational thinking many times, and has also spent thousands of hours on this cause.  The women on the group have been the most vocal in demanding his freedom and for that they need saluting.  The men and women who were his colleagues have also given unstintingly of their money and support.   Croucamp visited him in prison for 20 years when there was no one else around.   And then there are those who cannot be named, who have done so much towards our desire for his freedom, many who have never even met him, but believed in the rightness of our mission.   And a final thank you to the previously oppressed who saw through the propaganda, realized we are all a product of the society in which we lived, and asked for his release.   They are too many to mention by name.

So, this is my confession, first to the members, and secondly to the admins.

The struggle continues ... victory is certain. 

Monday, March 23, 2015

The Puzzle of Missing Prisoner No 94616105

Eugene de Kock 
Eugene de Kock has been missing since his supposed parole given to him in January 2015.   I first started feeling unsure and concerned that he may not be in a place where he wants to be after I had not heard from him for three weeks after his alleged release from prison.  Over the years, I have learned from others that he is an officer and a gentleman, and as such, he would never not have contacted me if he was in the position to do so (as he had done before).   
My network of contacts has included some that I can trust and others that I felt were untrustworthy.  However, I kept the enemy closer than I did Eugene’s friends.   
I sent the t-shirts that needed to be signed to a contact who told me he was in contact with Eugene and he could get the shirts signed.  This was a project to auction signed Free Eugene T-shirts with his date of incarceration, date of release and his signature.  There were 12 shirts which were to be signed and auctioned once a month to give Eugene some finances for a year.  After I had couriered the shirts to my contact, I waited two weeks before asking again if the shirts had been signed. 
This is when my intuition hit me with a resounding clang – his response to me was that it was a bit of a problem to get the shirts signed because nothing was allowed to be taken into where Eugene was being kept, and nothing could be taken out of where he was.  He also told me that Eugene had no access to mail, telephones or internet.   This was a very strange situation because every parolee surely would have access to at least a fax or a phone.  
My feeling of unease about Eugene became worse and worse, the longer I and the admins on our Free Eugene de Kock page did not hear from him.   If he was in a safe house for his own protection, then surely he would at least have access to a mobile phone.
From the time that I founded the Free Eugene de Kock page, I had the unfortunate job of telling some people that I will not give information to anyone who will use Eugene to increase their fame, increase their wealth or brush up their egos at his expense.  Needless to say, those people blocked and banned me, making my contact list slightly shorter.  I did not want anyone to be on our site just to see what they could get out of it, but rather wanted people who were as passionate about his freedom as I was and who had no ulterior motive for being on the group.
We have had agents’ provocateurs, spooks, spies, double agents and shit stirrers in our group.  We have watched them carefully, allowing them to stay but watching without them knowing that we are watching them.  Often information is forthcoming when you allow the spies to think you are stupid, so you learn to play the game for your own benefit (or at least for the benefit for EdK).
When the media over the weekend broke with “Where is Eugene de Kock?”, I was not surprised.  This had been my uneasy feeling about him.   I immediately contacted everyone I knew who had Eugene’s interests at heart, and I also played the Mata Hari with the enemy.  All I managed to get from my contacts was that he was safe, and at that time, it was enough for me.  
Another thing that has puzzled me is that Piet Croucamp has been the spokesperson in all media and television reports all along.  His silence has been conspicuous by its absence.   
Mention was also made in one newspaper report of a ‘friend’ of Eugene’s who made a statement.  That ‘friend’ has never been part of our group.  What kind of a ‘friend’ would only pop out of the woodwork at this late stage of the game?    Is this the media looking for a story but have no information? 
But fighting to free Eugene de Kock will only end when he is truly free to come and go as he pleases, to be able to do what he wants.  So again today, I was back on the job. 
My latest information is the following:  Daar is niks snaaks omtrent dit nie, die SAPS het hom in veilige bewaring teen n bedreiging van die regse en oud kollegas van hom, dit gaan oor die boek wat hy en n skrywer geskryf het en daar is ouens wat bang is hy noem name en ander insidente wat kan lei to vervolging.  Hy ……….. is in veilige bewaring.  Hy hou nie van die veilige bewaring nie ……………………………maar hy moet dit via die regs kanale doen.
My gevoel is dat die regering hom wil beskerm want as hy iets gaan oorkom gaan dit ander wurms uit die blik laat klim en hulle wil dit nie he nie, so dit is beter om hom te beskerm en die bedreiging te neutraliseer.
This is completely opposite to the news in the media where all the agencies deny knowing where he is.  Also how will the threats be neutralised?  As long as there are people out there who have not repented, asked forgiveness or have something to lose by Eugene being out, how can every threat be neutralised?  And what does neutralised mean exactly? 
And why could the media coverage and advertising of the book by Anemari Jansen not have been held back until a more appropriate time or when Eugene was safe?  After all, the book is not even published or on the bookshelves yet. These are the things that puzzle me. 
I am no soldier, no colleague and have no experience in war, never mind bush war, but I sure as hell would be able to hide him that no one would ever find him.   I am sure that there are others out there, mostly those who have never met him, who would be equally able to keep him hidden with access to telephones and internet.  Eugene also has a huge base of loyal men and women that he worked with who would do anything to ensure his safety. 
What I have written is how I feel.  I have not revealed my sources and I never will.  However, my logic tells me that something is amiss.  I do not know what the whole truth is yet.  I am also sure to get my arse kicked for writing this - but I am learning to have a thick skin and doing what my conscience tells me, and to hell with the consequences. 

Our Free Eugene de Kock group will continue to work for his unconditional release until the day I am told by Eugene, in person, to close the group.  A luta continua!!!

The worst things to say to someone with terminal cancer

Things you should never say to a terminal cancer patient

1.      Get better soon. (Do you think I have a cold?)

2.      You don’t look sick at all. (Can you see my blood?)

3.      I would have thought you would look worse (Any worse and I would be in the grave!)

4.      If you had enough faith, you would have been         healed a long time ago. (Fuck you)

5.      Did you smoke? (Is that the only thing that gives you cancer?)

6.      Have you been saved by Jesus?  Are you re-born? (Actually, I did it right the first time)

7.      I am also feeling sick and tired (You don't know what tired or sick means, you did not hear me)

8.      I can’t prescribe that.  It is very addictive.  (Who cares - it's all about quality now)

9.      Can we make an appointment for next week? (If I am still alive and I feel like seeing you)

10.   Be grateful for what you have (Thanks, I am already grateful to have a pulse and that I am still breathing). 

Things you could say that would be appreciated

1.      Can I do anything for you?
2.      Would you like me to make your bed?
3.      Is there anything I can get you from town?
4.      Can I make supper for you?
5.      Would you like me to do your washing and ironing?
6.      Can I bring you some books to read?
7.      Would you like me to bring you some DVD’s to watch?
8.      Can I send you some flowers (actually, don’t ask – just do it)
9.     Is there anything you still want to do that I can help you with? 
And finally the most important one - Number 10. 

The best thing you can do for someone with cancer is to LISTEN, unconditionally accepting whatever is said without offering your own opinion, unless you too have or had cancer. 

Monday, March 16, 2015

Life-enchancing decisions

Buy it today on www.blurb.com 
I was all fired up about my writing the blog every day and then my computer crashed. Why is it that when we try to get our lives in order and do what we really want to do, the first things that happen are to try and stop you from achieving what you want to do? Since my computer crashed, I had another good excuse to procrastinate and postpone, but instead, I felt irritable. Strange. 

So the computer is up and running again although I still can’t print and scan. Seems that the bits or bytes that various things need, have to be compatible. I don’t have the inclination to learn about these things so guess I will just muddle along the best I can. 

So here I am again today … sitting in front of the computer and wondering what on earth I can write about today. I have so many things to share but at the same time, nothing of great importance so I wonder again what value I have to give to anyone. My self-doubt surfacing again!  Come on, Dianne, who cares whether anyone reads this or not! Just do it! 

One would think that by the time we get to my age, we would have let go of the child-like self-doubt that comes when we need to do something different. There is tremendous power in initiating the decision to do something different that will be of benefit to one’s overall life. Doing what we want to do as opposed to what we need to do, is a life-enhancing behaviour. I am writing because it will enhance my life and therefore I should have no self-doubt. I should not be concerned whether my blog-writing will be of benefit or of value to anyone else because it has value to me. Yes, I am talking to myself here and you don’t need to read this if you don’t want to. I am doing this for me … a huge step away from my normal modus operandi which is to continually do for others and to neglect myself. Some wise person once stated that you can’t help yourself without helping others, so that means that somewhere in this blog there will be value for someone else. 

I love to write, I love to create, I love to read and I love to talk to people, so I guess I will be spending more time doing just that and less time doing chores that don’t bring me joy, but need to be done, nonetheless. It will not matter one iota or cause anyone concern if I don’t clean the house every day, if I don’t iron a shirt or scrub the bath. Today I am making the decision to be less anal about house cleanliness and to spend more time doing things that make me happy. 

It takes a long time and many experiences to come to know who you are and why you are here on earth. It takes many knocks and a lot of courage to look deep inside of oneself to find out the essence of who you are and then to acknowledge it and act on it.

Communication and honest emotional expression is my life’s purpose. I have had some hard lessons in learning to be honest with my emotional expression and even now, I find myself slipping in the honesty department of my emotions. But if I deny myself this expression and deny myself communication with other human beings (I prefer people to animals), then I will be killing a part of me. 

Today I am choosing to live, be happy, and to continue to make life-enhancing decisions. I have to find the courage to put those decisions into action and not let my self-doubt stand in my way.   Life is far too short to wallow in self-pity or get caught up in other people’s drama.  The drama of my own life is enough.



　

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

The problem of being UN-DEAD

Barrier Nursing 
If you get sick, people expect you to either get better or to die.  If you do not fit into these two alternatives, and you just hang around being unhealthy and undead, those who were in your life move out and on with their own lives.
You are not behaving properly.  Being half way between living and dying is not what people expect.  This is just a fact of life.  We can spend a month of Sunday’s crying for the people who have left our lives, but we would then be wasting our precious life on grieving.   You will end up with so few physical people in your life that counting them by the number of fingers on one hand will leave you with still more fingers on which to count. 
Then FaceBook comes into your life.  People will write themselves into your life and they will outnumber by far the physical people you once had in your life.  When this happens, we are being shown that the physical body is no longer important and the connection with others on a spiritual level is more than enough to make up for what we have lost. 
One third of your FB friends will only be concerned about your soul and without knowing where your soul is, will try their damnedest to get you to repent and become re-born.  That group are doing that with good intentions although it works on my nerves.  I find it quite judgemental to assume to know more about another person’s soul that the person him/herself.   Nevertheless, they are doing it with good intentions so instead of working oneself up about it, accept it and let it go.    
Another third will communicate with you on a social level where discussions can range from the state of the country to the latest world disaster.  This group keep you in touch with what is going on in the world outside your sick room.
Then you have the final third, which turns out to be your soul family.  They are neither judgemental, nor do they give unwanted advice.  They accept you for who you are in the moment.  Whether you are feeling angry, sad, and irritable or in pain, they are standing there quietly holding your hand.  When you lash out at the world in anger at the unfairness of life, they are there, quietly holding your hand.   When you are afraid that you are going to die or you are afraid you are not going to die, they are there, quietly holding your hand.  It is in this group of people that you are the safest.  They protect you, they uplift you, they empathise with you, they have compassion and they love…they love unconditionally.   It is this group of people that make up for the loss of people and abilities you used to have.   These are your family.  These are your soul friends.   These are the people who have walked the road, they have walked a few feet in your steps, they have suffered themselves so they know how to comfort and know when to just be quietly there for you.
My soul is right where it needs to be, I have no fear of dying and I have already been healed on many other levels.   I believe that this pain and suffering is necessary right now - maybe not for me, but to teach others how to live while dying. If my life is not a lesson for me and for others, then the world makes no sense. 

This situation reminds me of an old joke that I once heard about worry.  It goes like this:   You have got two things in life to worry about; either you get sick or you stay healthy.  If you stay healthy you have nothing to worry about.  If you get sick, you have two things to worry about.  You will either get better or you will die.  If you get better, you have only two things to worry about.  Either you will go to heaven or you will go to hell.  If you go to heaven you have nothing to worry about.  If you go to hell, you will also have nothing to worry about because you will find all your friends are already there.