Some days are just KAK ...
I wander through my mind wondering why I feel this anxiety. I am tired, dreadfully tired. I don’t want to tell anyone about it because they will then tell me how tired they are. My tired is different. There should be another word to describe this tiredness. Even exhaustion does not do this tiredness justice. This tired is not the tired you can sleep or rest away. Even talking makes me breathless and walking up and down these stairs is a monumental task … a fight between my body which feels so heavy … and my will. I want to do things but it feels like I am dragging my body through mud. For weeks, I have woken up so tired that every cell and tissue of my body is burning and screaming for … I don’t know what.
I have to earn a living. I must work because I need a roof over my head and food for my belly. There is no alternative. But what work can I do? What skills do I have that I can use within this limited way of living? I want my old life back...to the time when I had energy and could move my body any way I liked...when I could run up and down stairs and do therapies for hours on end without getting tired...when I could ... what is the use of looking back. I must come to terms with where I am and do what I can with what I have. I can feel the tears form as I write this … tears of anxiety, frustration and exhaustion.
I look at this pile of medical bills that the medical aid has rejected and I feel despair. If I don’t have the money to pay them, then there is nothing I can do about it right now. I ask myself these questions: Is this a priority? Can I do anything about it? Does it add value to my life? The answer to all or most of these questions is NO … so I must put it down and not carry it with me today. I must see what I can do today, what is a priority, what I can do and do only those things that add value to my life. I can rest. I can lie down and sleep and allow my body to rejuvenate itself. And that will add value to my life.
I know tomorrow will be different. I will wake up and hear the birds singing. I will see the sun shine and I will feel more energetic. I will find my spirit again and I will smile from the inside out. Every tomorrow is different from today and every tomorrow holds the possibility of health and peace. I also know without any doubt that God provides for my every need. Why do I feel sorry for myself when out there in the world there are a lot of people very much worse off than I am?
Perhaps my next lesson is to be kind to me and to understand that I am only human and as such I am fallible. But I do know that it takes a lot more courage to choose life, than to choose death. Through all these tears, I can see a rainbow of hope. I choose LIFE!
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