2014 was a very shit year!!

The last day of 2014 … I have been sitting here and pondering on the past year and the new one ahead. Did I do everything I possibly could to make those who care about me know that I appreciate and love them. Yes! Have I done everything possible for the freedom of Eugene de Kock this year? Yes! Have I done all I can to find a cure for my rare illness? Yes! Have I done as much as I could to help those who are worse off than me? Yes! Have I been the change that I want to see in the world? Most the time!

I got the moer-in a couple of times, lost my temper, got impatient, frustrated and irritated. I fought with myself, got angry with my situation and often felt despair. Too much time spent on being angry with fools. Too much time wasted in worry and stress. Too much time wasted in trying to house train an untrainable husband. Too many times I felt like giving up…too many times I wanted to take the easy way out by committing suicide. Too many days wasted in pain, in hospital or sleeping. Too much wasted time!

Tomorrow beings a New Year and I need new challenges. I know that Eugene de Kock will be freed this year. Call it intuition, inside info or just a gut feeling…he will be freed in 2015. Once we have a Presidential Pardon for Eugene (not just a parole), my job is over. I will have to work harder at being the change I want to see in the world, but I also have to find another passion that is bigger than who I am, so I can feel worthy to live and be in this beautiful world. I have spent days thinking about what I can do that will light the fire of passion in my soul after Eugene is free.

John Costello, a FB friend, gave me an idea – about sharing what it is like to be debilitating(ly), chronically ill with a rare disease, so that others don’t feel alone and our friends and family can learn how to respond to us. This will be one of my pursuits in 2015. Another pursuit will be far more challenging. I want white people in South Africa to stop apologising, to stop feeling oppressed and to start standing up to be counted as fully functioning members of the South African nation. More than 40 years ago, Steve Biko said that "the most potent weapon of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed". I can now say the same. We will never be treated equal as long as we swallow the propaganda that Whites are the scum of Africa. I would like to change that. I would like to make a difference to the racism that is so rampant in our land. How I am going to tackle either one of these two missions/pursuits still has to be worked out. I do think though, that these two things may be the passion that is bigger than myself and will give me a reason to fight for life.

I am sitting here at my computer, typing this and thinking at the same time. I ask myself what I would do if I could have just 48 illness-free hours. I would tie a 20 metre Free Eugene de Kock banner across the freeway bridge at peak hour traffic. I would put another banner across the Port Elizabeth Town Hall. I would hold my grandchild and touch her for the first time. I would walk on the beach and splash in the waves. I would fly a kite from the Donkin. I would change the linen, scrub the kitchen floor and bake a cake for my mom. I would fill my bedroom with flowers and visit a bookshop. I would go to Middelburg and look for all my children. I would put the headstone on my father’s grave in Coffee Bay. Perhaps 48 hours won’t be enough.

2014 was a very challenging year. When I say that from my heart it changes to 2014 was a very shit year. I will be pleased to slam and bolt the door on this year and open the New Year tomorrow, filled with hope for a better future for us all.